Fuck the Holidays 2017 Edition

I've sold my holiday gifts for dope.
I got arrested for prostitution of Christmas Eve.
I've spent New Year's Eve in Jail kicking dope.
(all true)

For those of us with substance use and depression issues, the darkest days of winter are not always filled with Holiday cheer. It is important to remember our fellows struggling just to make it through the day. I cannot even describe to another human how tough it was for me to make it though many winter months. The cold combined with both a dope habit and my living conditions made me contemplate suicide many days. Plus, there are just logistical issues- not being able to find veins in the cold, drug dealers who want to be with their families on holidays, and separation from family on my never ending bag chase.

In 2017, fortunately enough, my mental health has been in a fairly decent place. I'm not spending the weekend in bed curled in a fetal position. I consider myself pretty lucky because I actually have been in that place more times than I can count. No amount of binging movies, or masturbation, or retail therapy, or needles in the neck can cure that place within yourself when you just feel like fucking garbage. Now, at the same time, we are encouraged to don holiday apparel and go forth and be jolly. Da fuk? Anyway, my kids really force me out of the death spiral but I assure you I know what it is like to be there sober or not sober. I've experienced both.

I just want to make a few points:

1. You are fucking awesome. This is the most important thing. The greatest gift you can give anyone this holiday season is to tend to yourself and your health. People love you. You may not always FEEL that way. Feelings are not facts. There are people out there who love you and want the best for you.

2. Caffeine is not a food group. Eat something besides sugar. Whether overeating or under eating is your stress go to, at least make an attempt to get some water and real food in your system.

3. Showering and Getting out of the house may be the only thing you can accomplish. You know what, that a big fucking deal. That is a good thing. That is like winning the Olympics of depression events. Do what you have to do.

4. Call a hotline, find a support group, get on reddit, talk it out.

5. This dark period is just a short period in the long journey known as your life. Find some shit that makes you happy. Grab some cereal, pour it in a big bowl and watch the Grinch if that makes you feel better. Let the dog sleep in the bed tonight. Pick the cat up and get extra snuggles. Draw a picture. Pick up some crayons. Write something. Use some glitter. Drink hot chocolate WITH marshmallows. Do your own special memory. Using, sober, or in between. This is YOUR LIFE. Find a thing that brings you a little bit of comfort. You deserve to be happy.

Be safe. Love XOXO


  1. Needed it. Loved it. Thank you!!

  2. I’ve been feeling like a huge failure lately because my addiction is alway knocking at my back door but I’ve kept a steady job for the past two years when getting out of bed in the morning (or at all) is akin to climbing Mount Everest in my mental state. I don’t ask for pats on the back from anyone however I do recognize this as a small victory for myself and it’s nice to have someone else spell out those same thoughts. Merry Christmas, Tracey.

    1. Getting out of bed and interacting is huge ❤️

  3. You call yourself lucky Tracey, lucky that you "got out". I'm not so sure that I would call it luck. You made the personal decision to get out. You did it. You made that choice. You get the credit.


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