Tuesday, November 14, 2017

The Day I tried to Kill Myself

The day I tried to kill myself was like any other day. I didn't wake up thinking this is the day I want to die. I didn't put my affairs in order. I didn't have a special meal. I said no special goodbyes. The day I tried to kill myself was like any other ordinary day in the 365 days of that year.

There is a certain finality about knowing you are dependent on a substance. Be it heroin or coke or alcohol or speed or benzos. Or in my case, all of the above. When it finally sinks in that you will never escape the grip of addiction, it is a sad fucking day. My brain truly betrayed me. It lied to me saying this would never COULD never happen to me. Yet it did. When I looked at the decaying state of what used to be my young body, I did not feel a thing. I could not feel a thing. I just knew I would never escape.

The day I tried to kill myself, I did not cry. I did not falter in any way. I knew EXACTLY what I wanted to do. I did not want to feel that psychic pain any longer. If the right eye offends thee, pluck it out. I could not pull myself out of the stew of sorrow, my mind would drift off hoping I would never come back to this place. There was no one to help me, no one to stop me. I tried to kill myself. I survived. I clawed my way back from death. In dying, I realized I wanted to live.

The holiday season is a complete nightmare for current and former drug users. There are doing to be many moments in the coming weeks where you are going to think to yourself "fuck this". You know what- that is 100%. Your feelings are valid. Pace yourself. The shame train is a long ride from now until new years day. You are not alone.

I have to tell you this- as bad as this feels and it is going to SUCK- it will pass. For most you, active drug addiction is going to pass. You are going to move to something different. Please realize that there are folks out there that care for you. It might not be your family. There is some one. Be gentle with yourself. I spent a few different holiday seasons sleeping on top of a cardboard box in the rain. Yet here I am clicking away on my keyboard next to my snoring dog. I just want you to know that I see you. I am thinking of you. Don't die- I need the company.

xoxo Tracey

11 comments:

  1. My daughter's close friend committed suicide 2 1/2 yrs ago dying in her husband's arms because she didn't think she could ever escape her addiction... less than 6 months later right before the holidays he also took his young life... my heart broke as I knew the pain of thinking it could never be any other way... feeling stuck and hopeless.. I'm so happy I made it out the other side because I know this feeling all to well it could have easily been me and almost was more than once...

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  2. I'm So HAPPY You SIMPLY STAYED! On really bad days and yes you are so correct they are lining up to hit like Tyson I remind myself to STAY there's always tomorrow to GO but for today JUST STAY

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  3. Thank you thank you thank you, your candid honesty is exactly what we as recovering people need !! Namaste

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  4. Thanks for sharing your story. I attempted suicide 6/2015 and 10/17 because I didn't think I could ever be sober. But there are persons who care. I remember once you sent me a DVD of BTH even though I was a complete stranger. Your kindness still means a lot to me.

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  5. My brother committed suicide 2 days after christmas last year. I am not looking forward to xmas this year. I am not looking forward to watching my mother in pain. But i will endure. I have to.

    Being clean off heroin for the last 2 years is awesome, though.

    Anyway, thanks for the story Tracey. I don't frequent the sub on Reddit much anymore, but I do still follow your blog.

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    1. Wow that’s really tough. I have had a few friends commit suicide but no one that close. I’m glad you aren’t strung out dealing w this

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    2. hurrakain, my brother died 3 days after Thanksgiving 2014. After my mom died, he lost the will to live and disappeared into homelessness and heroin abuse. They say he died of an overdose, but I think he died of a broken heart. I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for your story I needed to hear it.

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