Sunday, September 4, 2016

The Hole that Lives Inside of Me

Where did it start? When did I get the hole that lives inside of me. 

There is an empty space somewhere between my lungs and my heart. It sucks my breath away. It pumps my blood so fast, I can feel it streaming through my ears. I feel the tightness in my chest. It pulls me away from everything I love. Like a magnet, I feel it drawing me away from Hope. 

This hole is a vacuum, extracting every positive thing in my life. It takes away my words. I feel the syllables disappear in mid air "help me", simply becomes "me". A declaration of my independence is made out of my fear. I will be in a whole crowd full of people who care for me, yet I am standing alone. The black hole is the center of the universe. I am alone while life spins around me. 

I can plug the hole. I can fill it will drugs, or sex, or you. A bottomless pit that can never be filled. I place a band aid on my rotten sore. The ache never goes away. It pools up with tears when I am alone. A well of sorrow for all that chose to drink from it. 

Depression is the name people call the void. I simply know it as a constant companion. Depression is the conjoined twin that has control of my body. No matter what I call it, it is lying underneath the surface of my life. The hydra with a thousand heads. 


I am going to be at The Michigan Recovery walk on Belle Island this Saturday and Seattle on Sept 12 at the Recovery Cafe at 7pm. Both events are free- come see me

13 comments:

  1. I knew it was depression before reading the last paragraph 🙁 I've suffered with it as long as I can remember.

    ReplyDelete
  2. hello depression my old friend....i see you've come to visit me again.

    its an everyday crap shoot with it, and the struggle is real.

    ReplyDelete
  3. The worst is that it seems to be inherited. It is a hole the majority of my family seems to possess even my children. And the thought HURTS SO BAD!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  4. I have had this hole for so long it's the same reason that I got hooked shooting tar because it filled that hole and now what do you know I'm right back at the beginning, on day 7 of a suboxone taper. your writing resonates with me, it really does. It's as if I'm reading words that I wrote myself, in another life or something idk but it's nice... truly.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That is one of the most flattering things anyone has ever said about my writing. Thank you

      Delete
  5. Your welcome, I relate so much to your writing, I would love to speak privately one day... regardless, because of your blog, I plan to start writing again, possible creating a blog of my own even... Thank you for sharing your beautiful,yet sorrowful experiences. As you said in another post, we recommend all part of the fraternal order... our truly are an amazing writer and I mean that from the bottom of my soul.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We are all part of the fraternal order is what I meant to say. I have sent you an email, I hope that is okay. I think I may have already mentioned that on another comment but I am not sure.. Thanks !

      Delete
  6. I have a hole inside me as well. It's....well, complicated. I have a dissociative disorder. My hole is, well, a whole (which sounds absurd, but hear me out). When my hole is in control, I am simply not here. I am floating up in the sky (and, yeah, I wish that was a drug thing, because that'd at least be fun, but, no, it's not). I'm in my body. Watching what my body does. I have no control. Watching my body do things. It really, really sucks.

    And yeah, before any of you worry, I'm in therapy, and yes, I'm on medication, which helps a GREAT deal.

    My hole is a whole. And it eats everything.

    Tracey, don't fill that hole with anything but yourself. Sex and drugs only work for awhile, as does, well, anybody but yourself. And that goes for everyone reading this too: you're good enough, and you don't need anyone or anything else to "complete" you.

    Thank you, Tracey.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you. I know this most of the time

      Delete
  7. strange, you said you feel like the bottomless hole is between your heart and lungs. i've always felt as if mine was sitting lower, maybe between my stomach and liver... how such an endless void can fit in such a small space is some kind of crappy miracle.

    anyways, i really appreciate your writing, it makes me want to do better. much love.

    ReplyDelete