Saturday, March 5, 2016

Taking the Leap

Some days I feel like jumping in front of a train. This is a very unpleasant yet realistic side effect of having a life long battle with depression. I imagine the train getting closer. I can see myself stepping past the yellow line in such a way there would no way for the driver to stop. My problems would be over in an instant. That is the fantasy. That achy feeling that chases me around would finally be gone.

Then reality sets in. What if I merely get stuck on the tracks? I end up getting sandwiched there while my leg is painfully pinned under the massive weight of this monstrous machine. I scream in agony while my life flashes in front of my eyes. What about my kids? Will I be an invalid, pushed around for the rest of my life? Will my mistakes make me a burden for everyone I love? What about the horrified by standers? They are going to be traumatized for life because of my shitty choices. Most of all, in facing death, I realize I wanted to live. I didn't want to actually die. I just couldn't take the pain anymore. Will people understand this? 

Using drugs is very similar. We are caught up in our own world, in our thoughts. We are afraid to share them. It is embarrassing to tell the average person that I sometimes think about throwing myself in front of the train. But- in telling you- I relieve my suffering. It is important to find someone that understands what I am going through. In telling someone, it makes it much less likely I will do it. I may THINK about things but ultimately, I am in charge. I cannot control my thoughts, only my actions. if you are struggling with something, it is okay to have wild thoughts. Focus on your reactions. The needle doesn't fall in your arm. The benzo doesn't slip under your tongue. You have to pick it up. Just like I have no control over feeling or thinking about suicide from time to time, I work towards being safe. I may not always be happy, but I can be safe. 

I hope you understand my insanity. I am not going to hurt myself today. Or tomorrow. Recovery isn't a magical solution for everything but it is a start. I get help from kitty kisses, my kids' smiles, sunsets, and popcorn. I find little ways to cope until the pain passes. I find a way because love you all too much.i hope you will also find a way.  I hope you won't hurt yourself today. I hope you will talk to someone who cares for you. 

XOXO Tracey

9 comments:

  1. Thank you Tracey for being brave enough to admit you think of suicide. I understand. I've been depressed since I was 11 years old. When I was using opiates there was a still small voice saying: "You could overdose." And then I would do it anyway. Last year I ended up in the hospital after an intentional drug overdose. It was the best thing that happened to me because I was faced with the reality of my addiction. I found things in my life that made me want to live. I'm so glad you did as well. Love Lara.

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    1. congrats to you, turning your life around

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  2. Thank u for the validation. I mostly share these type of thoughts with FB "FRIENDS" I tell them things I'd never say to people on my "REAL" world as they've been there they understand. My vanilla friends would say I was a drama queen or have me thrown in the bin.
    So thank u Tracey for writing this and NOT jumping in front of that train.

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    1. I am happy but you know how it is- those passing thoughts

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  3. I love how honest you are about the reality of your life after addiction. It seems that too often, recovery is packaged as this magical cure where you live happily ever after.

    Sometimes my reasons not to commit suicide were similar to part of that- the consequences if it does not work but end up with permanent negative effects. Other than that, just my cat(s), or just because of feelings dissipating eventually on their own.

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    1. Exactly. The post isn't really about my feelings but sharing the common experience that recovery isn't a magical solution for everything

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  5. I'm coming up on 4 months clean and like many this is not my first attempt. After struggling and losing my mothers trust she sent me to Europe to live with my dad. Where there is no "hood" where you can drive to and pick up dope nor do I know any connects. The beginning was hard of course but I got over it. But now for some reason these past couple of weeks have been dreadful. I yearn for a fix. For anything opiate related. I'm on suboxone but people who claim they get high on it are def imagining it. And like this article you say it's hard but you resist anyways, if I had the access idk what I would do. I'm having an existential crisis and I just don't see the point anymore. Don't see the point in anything. Like you said, it's nice to have someone to talk to even if it is one ended. Anyways thanks for hearing me out if you read this. Truly thank you

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    1. I think having cravings in the first year is pretty normal. You forget how miserable it could be so you remember the good parts more than the bad.

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