Then reality sets in. What if I merely get stuck on the tracks? I end up getting sandwiched there while my leg is painfully pinned under the massive weight of this monstrous machine. I scream in agony while my life flashes in front of my eyes. What about my kids? Will I be an invalid, pushed around for the rest of my life? Will my mistakes make me a burden for everyone I love? What about the horrified by standers? They are going to be traumatized for life because of my shitty choices. Most of all, in facing death, I realize I wanted to live. I didn't want to actually die. I just couldn't take the pain anymore. Will people understand this?
Using drugs is very similar. We are caught up in our own world, in our thoughts. We are afraid to share them. It is embarrassing to tell the average person that I sometimes think about throwing myself in front of the train. But- in telling you- I relieve my suffering. It is important to find someone that understands what I am going through. In telling someone, it makes it much less likely I will do it. I may THINK about things but ultimately, I am in charge. I cannot control my thoughts, only my actions. if you are struggling with something, it is okay to have wild thoughts. Focus on your reactions. The needle doesn't fall in your arm. The benzo doesn't slip under your tongue. You have to pick it up. Just like I have no control over feeling or thinking about suicide from time to time, I work towards being safe. I may not always be happy, but I can be safe.
I hope you understand my insanity. I am not going to hurt myself today. Or tomorrow. Recovery isn't a magical solution for everything but it is a start. I get help from kitty kisses, my kids' smiles, sunsets, and popcorn. I find little ways to cope until the pain passes. I find a way because love you all too much.i hope you will also find a way. I hope you won't hurt yourself today. I hope you will talk to someone who cares for you.