Thursday, November 6, 2014

ENOUGH

"Why are you fucking crying?" 
I can't stand when he yells at me, especially not an inch away from my face. I am sitting on the ground with my arms crossed. I am not sure what I am going to do. I know I am not going to get up from this spot. 

Have you ever just had ENOUGH. Not enough in lower case letters. You can ignore that enough. That enough comes the first time you fuck someone over for a bag of dope. That enough comes when you miss a family gathering because you are too much of a fuck up to make it. That enough is when you promise yourself you aren't going to use today, yet by nightfall you are leaning to the side. That is lower case enough. 

I mean ENOUGH! Like- fuck this shit enough. Like break all your gear enough. Like I need to go to the emergency room for this abscess enough. Like I am over drafted and have no hustle enough. Like my girl left me, the one who promised she understood me enough. Like I hate myself enough. I had ENOUGH. 

I was crying in a public street, in the middle of the day, in the middle of a busy city, in the middle of my life. I could not carry all my belongings not one more inch and I could not give one fuck more. The tears roll down my face in silent surrender. The monkey on my back paused long enough to acknowledge that I was defeated. And for a moment, the world stopped to hear my sobs. Then started again. 

"If you don't get up now, I am leaving your fucking ass here " he yelled in a whisper. 

And so I got back on the merry go round again. I guess for a few moments, I cared about myself. It just wasn't enough. 

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