Addiction, its the little voice in your head tellin you to just do it....like an infinite nike logo swooshing through your head eternally, "...just do it....just do it" The well known voice thats whispering sweet nothings into my ear every night....enticing me to give in my cravings and go cop a blow...this voices, speak in such a way that you dont ever hear it....you just react to it, its gets into your blood and begins to work its way through your inner core..where it sinks its fangs deep into the black glob of your remaining soul...where it feeds off of your emotions like a parasite. EVERYTHING becomes a reason to get high...Have a bad day at work? Fuck it, just get high....Relationship problems?..fuck it, just get high....stubbed your toe...might be time for a little heroin to cure the pain.
Before you know whats happening your at the ATM, pulling out another 40, 80 or 100 dollars to give to the devil..the rush of going to cop is something that every addict is familiar with...its that same feeling you would get on Christmas eve as a child, the eager anticipation of finally getting something you have been waiting for.
This of course only applies to those that arent getting sick and dont NEED a fix, they merely want it really bad....it hasnt manisfested into a full blown baboon on your back, its a cute little spider monkey that you visit too often and give your money and soul too.
Which is followed by a short lived bliss (the high never last as long as you want it to) and then reality sets in....you just blew your cash and have nothing to show for it but residue and the residual guilt that follows. The high only temporarily displaces your true emotions and replaces them with a narcotic ignorance that numbs you to your anxiety, your worries, your depression....or whatever it is you are trying to escape.
I am a prisoner to my own mind and I am held captive to the drugs...or should I say im merely captivated with the high. Fuck Nancy Reagan and her bullshit "just say no" slogan....bitch, you try to just say no when you have a voice in your head that will never shut up telling you to just say yes.
In my quest to find inner peace I have tried meditation, which is great is you are able to quiet the symphony of addiction playing the theme song to your life in a endless loop on full blast. The music plays, the addiction stays, and the poor addict continues to pay. As I write this I am waiting for my dealer to call me....he is the devil himself that is able to bring peace to riot in my mind. When your dealer is also a user, the thought of buying dope isnt so bad...its like a social visit with underlying hints of denial. Its like for that moment in time we are both in the same boat, 2 people looking to get high... and in my dope career I have gone through many dealers, some were friends, some were just dealers, but all became my best friend at some point...even if the feeling wasnt mutual. When your dealer ignores your call, it hurts like having a lover cheat on you....you spend all day just hopin he will answer by the 4th ring....hoping....waiting...."maybe ill try one more time"....and before you know it you are acting just like the junkie you make fun of....the fiend comes out...2 calls turn into 5, no answer....so you keep trying...and sometimes you get through and start the cycle all over again....the same thing you just finished with and will repeat again tomorrow..
Addiction is like the movie Groundhog Day...a never ending cycle that takes dramatic changes to break...good luck.
"Maybe I'll try calling.....just one more time.....he's got to answer by now"
And the adventure begins.....yet again