There comes a moment in the life of every heroin addict when they have to take stock of their current situation. Track marks? Check. Victim of violence? Check. Estrangement from my family? Check. Lack of overall functioning in my nether regions? Check. Poor health? Absolutely. Ability to change my situation? None.
I thought being a heroin addict would be the worst thing that happened to me in my life. As a direct result of my use, I was raped. I was so fucked up, I walked right into a dangerous situation. I had a man try to kill me over sex he thought he was entitled too because as a female user, apparently I had no right to say no. I have had my eye split open as I tried to break into a car. I had a knife put to my throat as I was robbed. I had infections raging through my body to the point I had to be rushed into surgery so I wouldn't lose my limbs. Certainly, when I kicked heroin, these were the worst things that could ever possibly happen to me?
Getting off heroin is brutally painful. The pain is relatively temporary. The emotional things creep in. "How did I let this happen to me?" "Why did I do x,y,z?" "Why did I spent all my time finding happiness in the bottom of bag?" Dwelling on the reasons why you do opiates is can be an exercise in futility. Why? Heroin. That is all you need to know. Fucking heroin. I WAS USING FUCKING HEROIN.
Heroin, as I like to explain it, is like having the most beautiful man/woman/partner fall in love with you instantly. The two of you go home and have mind blowing sex then cuddle then they make you the most delicious breakfast you have ever tasted. They are really fucking into you. First, you see them a few times a week, then more and more. Slowly, you realize they are a clingy psycho but the sex! the cuddles! the breakfast! Then, they start to hit you. But they apologize! they send flowers! They don't really mean it. GODDAMN I LOVE YOU SO MUCH. Every day the ups the downs until one day you have had enough! Being without them is fucking horrible, you lay in your bed in a ball and sob and then- they text you again. ONE MORE TIME. FINALLY, you break free from them. You move. You change all your numbers. You realize how fucked your life has been. 3, or 6, or 9 months from now you will start checking their social media to see what they are up to because it is fucking heroin. JUST LEAVE THAT BITCH ALONE. She/He ain't loyal.
August is a terrible month for me personally. It is both the anniversary of the death of my mother and the anniversary of the death of the loss of my first pregnancy. The pregnancy came first. It was almost as if one horrible event prepared me for the other. I really wanted that baby. It was more than just the baby. It was also what it represented to me. I had been coasting along believing there was this loving force in the universe taking care of me. Then one day, I had to wonder, if there is a loving force why did it kill my baby? A simple question- why? I know, from a rational perspective, what happened. Genetically, there must have been something wrong with the pregnancy therefore it ended. But after I saw the heart beat then saw it was gone, there was no telling me anything rational. WHY? Just tell me why? Did I suck too many dicks? Was a such a shitty person, you had to kill my Innocent baby? Just tell me why. I would go through all of the violence I experienced in addiction a thousand times over to have my baby live. It was a very very dark period for me. I seriously contemplated suicide when they handed me that bottle of Vicodin when I discharged from the hospital. Luckily, my friends and my animals gathered around me to show me there was still love in the world.
My time off drugs has not be painless. There has been lots of pain. I can't promise things would be any different for you if you get off drugs. I can only tell you my ability to handle life is different. I see hope. I see love around me. No matter how low you may feel, there is someone that loves you. No matter how many fucked up things you have done behind drugs, there is someone that wants you around. Underneath the chemicals, you are a beautiful person capable of amazing things.
I write this post today because I want you to know that you are loved. I get out of my funk by connecting with others. I can't change the past. I just have to find a way to enjoy each day. Love, Tracey.